When I was a youngster learning English, I wasn’t always clear on the meaning of words. In a business establishment, I noticed a sign Off-ice, and wondered if this place was warmer or colder than an ice house. My dad drove a Ply-mouth, and I wondered what eating had to do with automobiles. As an adult, I learned to appreciate the application of words to unexpected meanings.
- Abdicate — Give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Acute Care — Having an attractive nurse [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 August 2014]
- Agnostic — One who knows a lot about agriculture [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
- Air Brakes — How a bird makes a soft landing [Frank Ball, 28 July 2011]
- Air Brakes — What Michael Phelps takes between strokes [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 July 2011]
- Alliteration — A country with nowhere to put its trash [Frank Ball, 9 June 2011]
- Alphabet Soup — Putting someone else’s words into your mouth [Frank Ball, 13 July 2020]
- Altruism — A terrible strategy for true-false tests [Frank and Ernest, 13 May 2022]
- Antelopes — Left the anthill for a cheap wedding [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 September 2018]
- Antimatter — The wife of Uncle Matter [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise & Lance Aldrich, 3 June 2012]
- Antiviral — When no one at all cares about your tweet [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 June 2016]
- Apartment — Opposite of togetherment [Frank Ball, 27 June 2022]
- Apologetics — The ongoing need to say we’re sorry [Frank Ball, 8 November 2014]
- Appeal — What’s left after you eat abbanana [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 12 April 2011]
- Appeal — What you don’t want to step on after eating a banana [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
- Apple Turnover — The rate at which Mac engineers are fired [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 May 2019]
- Arbitrator — Arby’s employee who goes to work for a competitor [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
- Arch Rivals — Two podiatrists who hate each other [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 8 April 2019]
- Archenemy — Flat feet [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 31 March 2014]
- Archive — Where Noah kept his bees [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 13 September 2022]
- Artery — Gallery of fine paintings [Frank Ball, 24 November 2020]
- Asphalt — The donkey is to blame [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 20 February 2010]
- Assonance — Speech that is unbecoming to a donkey [Frank Ball, 7 March 2011]
- Asteroids — A painful posterior relieved by Preparation A [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
- Autobiography — A book about the life of a car [Frank Ball, 14 August 2015]
- Autonomy — Having your own car [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 30 November 2018]
- Avoidable — What people do at the Running of the Bulls [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
- Avoidable — How to survive a bullfight [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 July 2013]
- Axiomatic — A machine that chops down trees all by itself [Shoe by Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins, 12 December 2010]
- Babbling Brook — What Brook becomes after her second glass of wine [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 26 January 2013]
- Bacteria — Rear entrance to the school lunchroom [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Balderdash — A rapidly receding hairline [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Bamboozle — The sound a boozle makes when it explodes [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 May 2016]
- Barbarism — Getting my hair cut against my will [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 6 May 2010]
- Barcode — If somebody buys you a drink, buy them one too [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, 7 June 2014]
- Barium — What funeral directors do [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Barnstorm — When clouds form in the silo [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 26 October 2012]
- Base Metal — What John Paul Jones uses to restring his instruments [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 2 August 2011]
- Basketball — A glamorous evening at a weaver’s convention [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 25 June 2016]
- Behind — The posterior of honey-makers [Frank Ball, 29 October 2011]
- Benign — What you are after you be eight [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 18 February 2010]
- Bigamist — Very dense fog [Frank Ball, 16 March 2023]
- Black Hole — What is left after eating a chocolate donut [Frank Ball, 12 March 2016]
- Blind Faith — Believing the seven-day forecast [Born Loser by Art and Chip Sansom, 26 July 2017]
- Bluetooth — Condition that occurs when your dentist attempts to answer the cell phone during a routine filling [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 January 2010]
- Bone — The shortest distance between two joints [Frank and Ernest by Thaves, 4 June 2021]
- Botanist — Specialist in artificial intelligence creations [Frank Ball, 21 October 2020]
- Brief Case — Code name for the boxer rebellion [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 19 July 2014]
- Broadcast — An all-female theater production [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 February 2013]
- Brussels Sprouts — Belgian kindergarteners [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 May 2010]
- Buckshot — Rudolph’s preferred libation [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 23 December 2011]
- Bulldozer — Matador with a tranquilizer gun [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 11 January 2011]
- Bulldozers — Sleeping male livestock [Frank Ball, 4 October 2019]
- Bullpen — Where political speechwriters do their best work [Frank Ball, 7 July 2019]
- Burglarize — What a crook must use to decide what to steal [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
- Butter — A habitual contrarian [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 17 November 2012]
- Buzz Words — How insects communicate [Frank Ball, 12 November 2022]
- Byproduct — A manufacturer’s desperate plea to customers [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 April 2013]
- Caesarean Section — Where Julius built his palace in Rome [Frank Ball, 6 July 2016]
- Camelot — Where one must go to purchase a used dromedary [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 20 September 2002]
- Campaign Promise — Something that repeats itself every four years [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 September 2012]
- Candidate — How lovers go their separate ways [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
- Canned Ham — Actor fired for overplaying his part [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 31 October 2013]
- Capital Punishment — Texting in all lower case [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
- Capitalism — Writing everything in upper case [Frank Ball, 14 September 2019]
- Cardboard — The group that makes decisions about poker rules [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 June 2011]
- Cardio — Exercise while walking to and from your car [Frank Ball, 16 May, 2016]
- Carpe Diem — Fish of the Day [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 8 October 2010]
- Carpool — Facility for drive-in sunbathing [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
- Carrion — Luggage not checked for the flight [Frank Ball, 23 December 2020]
- Cartoons — Road trip playlist [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 12 July 2014]
- CAT Scan — Search for a feline friend [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Catchphrase — What a wide receiver says after a great football game [Frank Ball, 20 December 2019]
- Catholic — Insatiable appetite for feline friends [Frank Ball, 6 June 2022]
- Cauterize — Chance for love at first sight [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Chili Dog — A Mexican hairless on an Alaskan vacation [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 23 June 2012]
- Chiropractors — People who live in the city near the pyramids [The Middletons by Ralph Dunagin and Dana Summers, 14 May 2011]
- Circumvent — An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Claustrophobic — Someone with a paranoid fear of bearded men in red suits [Frank Ball, 25 December 2010]
- Cloud Computing — Using your laptop on an airplane [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 June 2013]
- Club Sandwich — Food for members only [Frank Ball, 23 October 2010]
- Cluster Bomb — Re-release of all six Rocky movies in 3-D [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 7 May 2013]
- Coastline — Spot on the fuel gauge where you know you can still make it to the gas station [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 August 2022]
- Coat of Arms — A millipede’s fall attire [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 November 2015]
- Coffee — The person upon whom one coughs [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Cognizant — Expert at meshing gears for the mechanical transfer of energy [Frank Ball, 23 September 2018]
- Cold Cuts — Ice hockey tryouts [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 1 December 2012]
- Colonoscopy — Punctuation of literary works with too many colons [Frank Ball, 26 October 2018]
- Common Sense — A condition that’s anything but common [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 June 2018]
- Confusion — Inseparable bonding of prison inmates [Frank Ball, 19 March 2023]
- Conjunctivitis — An irrational fear of words like “and,” “or,” and “but” [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 23 April 2013]
- Conscience — What hurts when everything else feels great [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 July 2012]
- Console — Fish special at Southeast County Penitentiary [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 23 March 2013]
- Contest — A parole hearing [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 January 2009]
- Context — A message from a prison inmate [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 14 February 2020]
- Control Freak — One who uses four remotes to get one good show on TV [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
- Cornish — Kinda like corn, but not quite [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 23 October 2010]
- Correction Facility — Where journalism students learn to do editing [Frank Ball, 5 January 2015]
- Countdown — When nothing seems to add up [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 10 March 2013]
- Counter Intelligence — What is gained by going to the Information Desk [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 11 November 2013]
- Counterfeiter — Kitchen granite installer [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
- Country Bumpkin — What farmers attach to the front of their tractors to absorb crashes [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 20 January 2014]
- Crankcase — A lawsuit for no apparent reason [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 14 June 2010]
- Critical Mass — A hell-fire-and-brimstone church service [Frank Ball, 25 January 2013]
- Cross Training — Management by intimidation [Frank Ball, 27 January 2013]
- Crossing the Line — A good way to get slapped by an adjacent fisherman [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 June 2014]
- Crowbar — Where crows meet for drinks [Frank Ball, 25 January 2021]
- Cuisine — Tests in booklet form [Frank Ball, 3 February 2011]
- Cursive — Manner of speaking when very angry [Frank Ball, 14 August 2015]
- Cursive — Writing foul words without some of the letters [Frank Ball, 15 February 2023]
- Cursor — One who spouts foul words when the computer misbehaves [Frank Ball, 16 October 2017]
- Damnation — A principality sustained by hydroelectric power [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 6 October 2010]
- Deadline — Obituary blurb [Frank Ball, 7 May 2016]
- Debate — De essential part of de fishing line [Frank Ball, 19 February 2016]
- Dedication — A zombie’s week off work [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
- Defaced — Banned from Facebook [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 24 October 2015]
- Defeat — Where de shoes go [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 December 2014]
- Defense — What keeps de cows in de pasture [Frank Ball, 18 November 2018]
- Delay — Past-tense form of de-lie [Frank Ball, 26 May 2012]
- Delight — What is seen after de night is over, when we are no longer in de dark [Frank Ball, 29 July 2020]
- Delighted — A lamp in need of bulb replacement [Frank Ball, 23 May 2022]
- Demystify — Use the intermittent setting on your windshield wipers [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 05 February 2011]
- Denial — Where pharaoh’s daughter found debaby Moses [Frank Ball, 17 May 2011]
- Detour — Where to see a lot and learn a lot before stopping at de gift shop [Frank Ball, 17 August 2021]
- Deranged — When a cowboy retires from rustling duty [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 18 May 2019]
- Diameter — Measurement of time a person has left on Earth [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
- Dilate — Living for many years [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Dilemma — What gives di lemonade di distinctive taste [Frank Ball, 4 November 2016]
- Disdain — A spot that won’t come out with just soap and water [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 27 October 2010]
- Disingenuous — To criticize ingenuous [Shoe by Gary Brookins & Susie MacNelly, 29 July 2020]
- Divining Rod — A device used to locate holy water [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 16 April 2011]
- Dogmatic — When your mutt barks at anything that moves [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 January 2012]
- Dogmatic — Canine math expert [Frank Ball, 23 February 2022]
- Dormant — An insect whose diet consists of Ramen noodles and Fritos [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 August 2010]
- Double Jeopardy — Renewing marriage vows [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, 30 May 2013]
- Downpour — Technique for filling pillows [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 1 September 2018]
- Downsizing — How you measure goose feathers [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 17 December 2010]
- Dromedary — Milk cows booked for a Chick-Fil-A commercial [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
- Dry Spell — Harry Potter’s hangover cure [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 31 August 2010]
- Duck Season — The time of year when hikers hit the deck every time they hear a loud bang [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 01 October 2016]
- Dumbstruck — A guy who installs his trampoline under a ceiling fan [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 26 September 2009]
- Dyspepsia — Ability to read the letters on a Pepsi can backward [One Big Happy by Rick Detorie, 22 August 2009]
- Egypt — When you get ripped off online [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 26 November, 2011]
- Electricity — Metro area where a politician announces his or her candidacy [Frank Ball, 4 February 2013]
- Elocution — Speaking as if one’s finger has touched a light socket [Frank Ball, 22 March 2013]
- Emergency Contact — What ‘one-eyed Willy’ keeps under his eye patch [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 March 2011]
- Eminent Domain — The Pope’s website [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 September 2013]
- Eschew — What you do before you swallow [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 22 December 2010]
- Esplanade — To attempt an explanation while drunk [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Eternity — From now until Christmas [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 14 December 2012]
- Eureka — What an Italian wife exclaims upon her husband’s return from a garlic festival [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 February 2009]
- Executive Bank — How Air Force One makes a hard left [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 April 2014]
- Executive Suite — Expensive candy [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 8 December 2012]
- Explains — Where big cities now stand. [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 October 2011]
- Extradition — More math homework [Shoe Gary Brookins & Susie MacNelly, 30 August 2022]
- Fandango — What to do when Dango gets heat stroke. [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 12 January 2013]
- Fanfare — What cabbies charge Michael Jackson impersonators [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 31 May 2017]
- Fast Food — What you can eat during Lent [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 25 February 2012]
- Fibula — A little lie [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
- Fiendish Plot — A vegetable garden comprised of only Brussels sprouts [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 18 January 2014]
- Fish Finder — The opposite of whatever device is attached to the end of my pole [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 17 October 2017]
- Fixed Income — A handyman’s means of support [Frank Ball 27 October 2012]
- Fixed Income — What a cheating bookie lives on [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 8 February 2014]
- Flabbergasted — Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Flamethrowers — Chili food fight [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 February 2013]
- Flatulence — Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Florist — One who lays carpet, tile, and hardwood. [Frank Ball, 25 October 2020]
- Football — A game in the USA that sounds like something it isn’t [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 November 2017]
- Frankincense — What Frankenstein had after he was given a brain. [Frank Ball, 16 November 2013]
- Free Press — When your mom irons your trousers [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
- Frostbite — What you get by crossing a snowman with a vampire. [Frank Ball, 7 January 2019]
- Full Metal Jacket — C-3PO’s formal attire [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 May 2014]
- Game Crossing — Going directly to jail, not allowed to pass “Go” and collect $200.00 [Frank Ball, 17 July 2014]
- Gatorade — Social Security for alligators [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 25 March 2011]
- General Anesthesia — Military leader with narcolepsy [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 3 March 2018]
- Gettysburg — A toddler’s name for a spaghetti burger [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 5 September 2002]
- Government Mandate — Going out with a congressman to dinner and a movie [Frank Ball, 14 November 2015]
- Grand Opening — When the first bid is a thousand dollars [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 12 February 2012]
- Habanero — What keeps an archer’s quiver from being empty [Frank Ball, 5 September 2020]
- Hangnail — Place to put your jacket when coming in from the cold [Frank Ball, 24 November 2020]
- Happy Medium — A cordial psychic [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 August 2010]
- Harry Potter — Unshaven ceramic artist [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 November 2012]
- Headlines — What is read on a furrowed brow [Frank Ball, 29 September 2019]
- Hebrew — A masculine beverage [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 November 2013]
- Heirloom — Equipment of a fourth-generation weaver [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 5 October 2013]
- Heroes — What a guy does when his motorboat conks out [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
- Hexagon — Removing the pins from a voodoo doll [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 17 January 2022]
- High Roller — A painting device designed for use on ceilings [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 December 2015]
- High Winds — Breeze coming off a hemp farm [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 February 2021]
- Hijack — The card that gets you two points in a game of cribbage [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 2 July 2011]
- Hip Replacement — Canning the accordion player in favor of a jazz pianist [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 17 January 2009]
- Holiness — A characteristic of sponges and spider webs [Frank Ball, 9 May 2013]
- Holy Roller — Bagel maker [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 19 January 2013]
- Horsefly — What happens when a tornado touches down beside a Mountie [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 December 2018]
- Hootenanny — Child care for young owls [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 October 2015]
- Hospital Gown — Formalwear for nurses [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 22 January 2011]
- Hot Dog Stand — What wieners do when they can’t find a seat [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
- Hug — Static cling [Frank Ball, 18 April 2022]
- Hyperspace — Special room for restless children [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 December 2019]
- Illegal — Sad news flash from the aviary [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 9 January 2009]
- Illiterate — Someone who’s sick of reading [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 February 2012]
- Impeccable — Chicken proof [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 13 July 2013]
- Incarnation – Living in a country where driving trucks is culturally unacceptable [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
- Incomplete Sentence — Attempting to escape prison [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 24 February 2016]
- Indian Summer — Tech report season [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 16 March 2013]
- Innuendo — Spanish name for Preparation H [Frank Ball, 4 March 2015]
- Intent — Where campers sleep [Frank Ball, 27 January 2013]
- Investigator — University of Florida stockholder [Frank Ball, 14 July 2019]
- Irony — The physical composition of exercise equipment [Frank Ball, 13 January 2014]
- Irons in the Fire — What to do after a horrid day at the golf course [Frank Ball, 25 October 2018]
- Jackpot — What Jack claims is strictly for medicinal purposes [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 18 August 2012]
- Kick — The final activity on one’s bucket list [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 22 July 2014]
- Labor Pain — Suffering from a work injury [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Lackadaisical — Having too little appreciation for flowers [Frank Ball, 11 January 2019]
- Lapsing — What happens when a child in Mom’s lap hears a lullaby [Frank Ball, 21 July 2011]
- Last Man Standing — Politically correct term for the kid who really stinks at Musical Chairs [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 March 2015]
- Last Will and Testament — Dead giveaway [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 22 February 2012]
- Lasting Impression — What Wile E. Coyote leaves on the floor of any given canyon [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 November 2014]
- Late Bloomers —Back-ordered undergarments [Frank and Ernest, 24 January 2011]
- Laughing Gas — What might be worth fracking for [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 3 November 2012]
- Lawsuit — Appropriate attorney courtroom attire [Frank Ball, 10 June 2022]
- Lemonade — Citrus orchard caretaker [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
- Liability — Unique talent in using deceptive words [Frank Ball, 28 June 2014]
- Liability — The unique talent for concealing the truth [Frank Ball, 3 April 2022]
- Lip Service — Regular Botox injections [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 6 October 2012]
- Light Year — A twelve-month period when one’s diet actually worked [Frank Ball, 12 April 2013]
- Listless — The way most guys go grocery shopping [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 21 June 2010]
- Loan Sharks — A visiting exhibit at the aquarium [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 March 2012]
- Logarithm — What a composer does with the percussion parts [Frank Ball, 11 April 2012]
- Logistics — What beavers take from trees to build a dam [Frank Ball, 2 November 2022]
- Lollygag — Outcome of running while eating candy [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 June 2020]
- Loose Ends — Free agent football players [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 11 February 2012]
- Lymph — To walk with a lisp [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Macro Economics — Required class prior to interning at Kraft [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 13 October 2012]
- Malady — A catchy tune that’s gone bad [Frank Ball, 18 March 2016]
- Mandate — Two guys watching sports [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 21 April 2012]
- Mandatory Retirement — When Mom and Dad won’t let kids stay up at night [Frank Ball, 1 February 2013]
- Marxist — Someone with a mustache, a cigar, and a quick wit [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 13 July 2017]
- Mayhem — The monthly chaos that precedes Junehem [Lola by Todd Clark, 12 April 2011]
- Mayhem — A dress cut that will only be in style till June first [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 May 2011]
- Medical Staff — A doctor’s walking stick [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Memory Block — A stroll around the old neighborhood [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 April 2013]
- Metronome — A city dwarf [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 February 2011]
- Microsoft — Mini marshmallow [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 May 2012]
- Milk Duds — Uncooperative dairy cows [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
- Minimum — Small British woman [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 October 2011]
- Monkey — How you unlock a monastery [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 3 September 2011]
- Mononucleosis — A disease half as bad as stereo nucleosis [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 27 April 2010]
- Monroe Doctrine — Gentlemen prefer blondes [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 11 October 2013]
- Moraine — Amazonian weather update [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 February 2010]
- Moving Violation — Leaving without paying rent [Frank Ball, 19 January 2015]
- Multitasking — Messing up several things at once [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 9 October 2010]
- Negligent — Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing a nightgown [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Net Loss — When the Wi-Fi is down [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 24 February 2016]
- Net Worth — How trapeze artists view their life-saving device [Frank Ball, 11 December 2022]
- New Year’s Resolution — A promise whose intention outlasts its action by about 364 days [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 5 January 2019]
- Nightmare — What a cowboy rides after dark [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 24 February 2016]
- Nitrate — Much cheaper than a day rate [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
- No Outlet — Warning sign for the absence of any electrical socket [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
- Nonagenarian — When no one can remember how old you are [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 February 2011]
- Ontological — Sensible footwear [Frank Ball, 29 March 2012]
- Ordeal — Sales special on boating supplies [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
- Organic — Traditional church music [Frank Ball, 24 November 2020]
- Outpatient — Someone who has fainted [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Oxymoron — A really stupid ox [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 21 September 2012]
- Pandemonium — A bear’s race to eat bamboo shoots [Frank Ball, 18 November 2010]
- Paradigm — The same as four nickels [Frank Ball, 22 September 2017]
- Paradox — What it takes to lift a patient from a stretcher [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 17 August 2013]
- Paranoid Optimist — People who think everybody is out to get them something nice [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 28 May 2014]
- Paranormal Activity — What couples usually do together [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
- Parasites — Important stops when touring France [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
- Parking — Guy with a perfect round of golf [Frank Ball, 11 February 2013]
- Past Tense – Worsened state of extreme panic [Frank Ball, 29 December 2022]
- Pasteurization – When the cows are left free to graze [Frank Ball, 20 March 2012]
- Pasteurized — Ordained to be a minister [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 August 2011]
- Pay as You Go — A coin-operated toilet [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 166)]
- Peanut — An overzealous urologist [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 7 March 2010]
- Peanut — A fanatical bean farmer [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 June 2010]
- Pen Pal — Someone you liked while in the slammer [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
- Perfect Pitch — Bestselling roofing tar [B.C. by John L. Hart FLP, 14 June 2011]
- Periodic Table — Large dining area used during Thanksgiving and Christmas [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, 25 May 2011]
- Pesticide — When a housefly makes a beeline into a ceiling fan [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 November 2014]
- Pesto — An annoying Italian guy [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 27 December 2012]
- Phlegmatic — An automatic nose blower [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 118)]
- Phobia — The advanced stages of a threebia. [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 9 February 2023]
- Pillage — Plunder of aspirin and vitamins [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 5 May 2014]
- Pillory — A place that fills prescriptions [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 15 October 2010]
- Pillow — When a prescription needs to be refilled [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
- Plutonium — The Latin name of Mickey Mouse’s dog [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 9 September 2015]
- Pokemon — Jamaican gumby’s best friend [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 1 February 2014]
- Polarization — Territory of arctic bears [Frank Ball, 25 Novembers 2011]
- Polarize — How arctic bears see where they are going [Frank Ball, 12 April 2013]
- Polaroids — What arctic bears get from sitting on ice too long [Frank Ball, 4 June 2014]
- Pole Vault — An eastern European bank [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 1 June 2013]
- Political Correctness — Doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end [Believed to be from Texas A&M University’s winner of definition award.]
- Politically Correct — Always having to say you’re sorry, even when you know you’re not [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 18 December 2012]
- Politics — Fleas with agendas [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 29 September 2012]
- Polyamorous — Loving two parrots at the same time [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 1 March 2018]
- Polygon — A dead parrot [Herbert V. Prochnow & Herbert V. Prochnow Jr, 5100 Quotations for Speakers & Writers (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1992), 163.]
- Polygon — When your parrot flies the coop. [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 14 January 2011]
- Poop Deck — The kennel floor [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 April 2010]
- Pop Fly — An insect’s father [Frank Ball, 4 February 2021]
- Popcorn — A popular movement in the late 1950s widely regarded as the precursor to postmodern corn [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 March 2019]
- Pork Chop — A pig’s karate movement [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
- Prepare — Blossom on a fruit tree [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 June 2013]
- Pressure Wash — Cleaning the house before your mother-in-law visits [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 2 March 2013]
- Pretext — The long, boring era before texting was invented [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 19 January 2017]
- Pretext — Undiscoverable words during writer’s block [Frank Ball, 12 December 2022]
- Prime Time — How Optimus addresses the crowd before the dance-off [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 12 March 2013]
- Private Caller — Soldier on the phone [Frank Ball, 17 November 2018]
- Probiotic — What an amateur biotic longs to become [Frank Ball, 17 November 2018]
- Procrastinator — Talented producer of crass, demeaning remarks [Frank Ball, 24 November 2020]
- Program — Official stance of the national lobby for the metric system [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 April 2010]
- Promising Career — The work of politicians [Frank Ball, 20 July 2012]
- Pronoun — A noun that has lost its amateur status [Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson, 22 February 2016]
- Proofread — Calculating the actual alcohol content in your drink [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 29 September 2018]
- Protagonist — Expert at touching someone in a chase, saying, “You’re it.” [Frank Ball, 24 July 2020]
- Ranch Dressing — Putting on cowboy clothes [Frank Ball, 30 April 2023]
- Rank and File — A manicurist with body odor [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 March 2012]
- Ransom — What participants in a marathon did [Frank Ball, 7 August 2015]
- Rebate — Put another worm on the hook [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 March 2010]
- Reboot — A second kick in the seat of the pants [Frank Ball, 15 January 2013]
- Recall — What parents do with obstinate children [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 August 2015]
- Recorder — Opposite of “wreak havoc” [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 29 October 2011]
- Recovery Room — Upholstery work area [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Rectify — When a proctologist puts on a rubber glove [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 3 October 2014]
- Rectitude — The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
- Redundancy — Member of Congress in a hot air balloon [Frank Ball, 30 December 2017]
- Reincarnation — Belief in life after death when you come back as a flower [Frank Ball, 17 November 2018]
- Relief — How trees signal the beginning of spring [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
- Remiss — To blow the second shot as well as the first one [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 26 July 2016]
- Repair — Matching one sock with another [Frank Ball, 17 May 2012]
- Repressing — What I do to my pants after a long bus ride [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 3 March 2010]
- Resisting Arrest — What insomniacs are doing when they refuse to take a sleeping pill [Frank Ball, 19 June 2015]
- Restitution — An institution that teaches you how to sleep [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 20 October 2014]
- Restitution — School for those with sleep disorders [Frank Ball, 30 July 2020]
- Retail Price — The cost to repair the back of the plane [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 July 2013]
- Rhodesia — When you can’t remember what road you’re on or why [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 171)]
- Riptide — Detergent specially formulated for torn jeans [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 September 2010]
- Roaming Charge — The fee your divorce lawyer charges when your wife discovers you cheating [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 May 2018]
- Rock Music — The sound workers make in a quarry [Frank Ball, 6 February 2013]
- Rocking Chair — Seating for listening to 1950s music [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
- Roller Derby — Competition for the fastest house painter [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 5 July 2011]
- Rubberneck — How a man helps his girl relax [Frank Ball, 12 April 2013]
- Samoa — What you eat after the first potato chip [Frank Ball, 9 March 2019]
- Satisfactory — Manufacturer of acceptable goods [Frank Ball, 12 February 2021]
- Scholarship — A research vessel [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 May 2013]
- Scotchgard® — Friend who watches your drink while you go to the bathroom [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 31 March 2012]
- Second in Command — Extremely short tenure [Frank Ball, 14 March 2016]
- Secondhand Smoke — A Pawn shop on fire [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 31 May 2011]
- Selfish — Mission statement of seafood stores [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
- Sentence — A joke that isn’t funny [Frank Ball, 25 February 2022]
- Shindig — An archaeologist’s search for leg bones [Frank Ball, 18 October 2010]
- Shindig — A wife’s hidden kick beneath the table [Frank Ball, 1 February 2013]
- Showdown — Rained-out Fourth of July celebration [Frank Ball, 16 June 2020]
- Sink Hole — Where the plumber fastens the drain pipe [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 August 2013]
- Slide Show — A playground sales exhibition [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 July 2016]
- Smallpox — Little open areas in Boston [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 14 May 2012]
- Smooth Operator — Adept handler of the shop sander [Frank Ball, 24 December 2018]
- Snowball — A dance where everyone arrives either overdressed or freezing [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 November 2018]
- Sock Puppet — What you’d like to do after watching the ventriloquist act [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 18 June 2016]
- Solar Panel — A group of stars that judge the talents of other stars [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 16 July 2013]
- Sonic Boom — Sudden expansion of a fast-food chain [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 August 2014]
- Sorghum — A dental hygienist’s legacy [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
- Sound Reasoning — Need to yell about it [Frank Ball, 18 April 2022]
- Speed Zone — An extremely misleading sign [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 02 September 2017]
- Spin Doctor — Any physician who specializes in vertigo [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 31 August 2013]
- Spiral — A blown spy cover gone viral [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 January 2014]
- Spoiled Milk – What you get from overly pampered cows [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
- Spyware — Appropriate attire for an agent during a covert operation [Frank Ball 30 May 2014]
- Squatter’s Rights — When everyone is entitled to own an outhouse [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 3 March 2012]
- Squeeze Play — An accordion solo [Frank Ball, 4 February 2021]
- Stage Fright — A cowardly act [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 May 2013]
- State of Affairs — A government body with no laws against adultery [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 16 August 2014]
- State of Denial — Political union of what was formerly the kingdom of the pharaoh [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 17 May 2011]
- Status Quo — Latin for “the mess we’re in” [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 51)]
- Stereotyped — A report handed in by Siamese twins [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 7 August 2010]
- Stick — A boomerang that doesn’t work [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
- Stiff Breeze — Draft in a funeral parlor [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 2 June 2012]
- Stiff Competition — Two funeral homes next door to each other [Frank Ball, 6 August 2015]
- Substitute — Inferior place of learning [Frank Ball, 30 August 2022]
- Sudafed — Legal action taken against a US government official [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
- Superfluous — The best of viruses that plague us [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
- Superimpose — When an acquaintance asks to borrow your truck, then expects you to help him pack up and move [Frank Ball, 2 March 2013]
- Superstitions — A level far above ordinary stitions [Frank Ball, 2 February 2023]
- Surreptitiously — How maple trees add sweetness to pancakes [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 24 April 2010]
- Syllabus — How clowns take group field trips [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 24 September 2016]
- Syntax — Consequence for not obeying God [Frank Ball, 13 November 2012]
- Tablet — Small table [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Tangerine — How we know that Gerine spends lots of time out in the sun [Frank Ball, 8 June 2021]
- Tastebud — How Willie Nelson grades his autumn harvest [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 24 May 2014]
- Taxidermist — The skin of a cab driver [Herbert V. Prochnow & Herbert V. Prochnow Jr, 5100 Quotations for Speakers & Writers (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1992), 183.]
- Tech Support — A cyborg’s undergarment [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 April 2011]
- Terminal Illness — Sick at the airport [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Terminal Velocity — How fast you can run when late for a flight [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 5 September 2015]
- Terminology — The study of wood-eating insects [Frank Ball, 15 June 2011]
- Termite — One who favors term limits for politicians [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 29 November 2012]
- Testicle — An enclosure for answering questions on an exam [Frank Ball, 5 April 2013]
- Thesaurus — A large word-eating dinosaur [Frank Ball, 17 July 2014]
- Thorax — Successor to the Thor hammer [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 28 December 2021]
- Thumb Drive — How hitchhikers get from one place to another [Frank Ball, 24 September 2018]
- Timeshare — Five kids competing for their parents’ attention [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 8 September 2012]
- Tireless Worker — A laid-off Goodyear employee [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 16 April 2016]
- Toupee — An assumed mane [Frank and Ernest, 15 March 2011]
- Toxic Dump Site — Baby changing station [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 February 2013]
- Trailblazer — Formal junglewear [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 April 2013]
- Trapezoid — Ensnaring prehistoric beast [Frank Ball, 24 September 2019]
- Triathlete — A fast pedaler on three wheels instead of two [Frank Ball, 27 June 2016]
- Tropical Depression — When you keep checking Facebook while on vacation [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 January 2020]
- Trigonometry — The study of Roy Rogers’ horse [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 23 September 2014]
- Tumor — Added to one, makes a crowd [Frank Ball, 19 February 2018]
- Two-Percent Milk — What’s left after 98 percent has been drunk [Frank Ball, 7 August 2015]
- Understanding — What Australians have when they get up from the table [Frank Ball, 28 January 2013]
- Varicose — Close by [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
- Vegetarian — Plant doctor [Frank Ball, 6 May 2023]
- Ventriloquist — Silent partner [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 December 2012]
- Vice President — The head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Gambling [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 5 July 2014]
- Voucher — Someone cited as a work reference [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 7 September 2013]
- Waffle Iron — Indecisive golf club [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 December 2013]
- Weather Stripping — What follows coming in from bitter cold [Frank Ball, 16 September 2020]
- Work from Home — What a baseball player does, giving signs to the pitcher [Frank Ball, 1 March 2018]
- Zebra — Extra support for the horse-riding woman [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 20 September 2014]